Wednesday, December 28, 2011

"Pumped" about new carpet!

I went on a very brief 24 minute run two days ago.  No I've got a cold, or allergies, or something so I'm waiting for that to blow over.  I got some cool running stuff for Christmas, but I haven't taken pictures so I'll post about that later.

Let me tell you about my new carpet.

As you may know, we had rented our house out to 3 different tenants in 3 years.  Tenant #1 took it upon herself to tear the carpet out of the master bedroom because she psycho bitch.  Yesterday our new carpet was on it's way to being installed.

Since our house is really old (1920) there are no closets in the bedroom.  Instead we use these two giant wardrobe units from IKEA.  Those are 10 ft ceilings that you see in the pic so the units are 8' tall.  Since it costs more money for the installers to move furniture, we decided to move the wardrobes out ourselves.


My husband had one of the units leaning toward him and holding it up while I was steadying it (doing nothing) from the other side.  Then I hear my husband say "Something's falling off the top. It hit me.  OMG!! It's a penis pump!! It's a penis pump!!"


Yeah.  A disgusting penis pump fell from the top of our wardrobe unit and hit my husband on the head.  We thought about sending a message to our former tenant and asking her if she wanted to drop by for her mail and penis pump.

-Hugh Jass

Thursday, December 22, 2011

I'm tired and I hate moving HATE

I'm really not in as fowl a mood as the post title would suggest, but I really do hate moving.  Not changing locations, but the actual act of moving is the worst.  We didn't get out of Charlotte until around 5pm last Saturday.  We had originally planned on leaving at 5 AM!  You know how Styrofoam decomposes in half lives?  After 10 million years half of a cup will be gone, and after another 10 million years half of that half will be gone.  Well, that's what our progress felt like, and theoretically there are an infinite number of halves left.  Our land lord did an unofficial walk through before we were finished (but after all the carpets had been vacuumed and steamed) and was being an ass.  It became quite apparent that he would be fighting us for our deposit no matter what, so we gave up on cleaning early and just got the hell out of there.  The only thing we didn't accomplish was the final touch ups on the walls were the kids had drawn in a few places.  The landlord had been pissy with us from the day we said we were moving.  I take it as a compliment though.  We were really good tenants, with our rent in the mail on time every month and we only called him once when the AC went out.  We made his job very easy, so why wouldn't he be pissed that we were leaving?  We were suppose to do a final walk through with him, but we just left the keys under the mat and texted him "We're out".
Our house was the blue one and that driveway was killing us!
Once on the road we drove until midnight or a little after.  We stopped at a truck stop somewhere in Alabama and slept for about 5 hours.  My son and I slept in our Ford while my daughter and husband slept in the Penske.  We were back on the road at 5:30am on Sunday and made it to my in laws at around 7pm Texas time!  We had originally planned on going to our house and unpacking what we needed to sleep, but thankfully the MIL and FIL talked some sense into us.  For nearly 24 hours I stared at the back of my own car which really doesn't bother me at all.  I happen to think that my "Friend of the Smokies" plates along with my 26.2 magnet make for excellent viewing.
Passing by the Horse Shoe Casino in Shrievport
We took our time waking up and had a good breakfast on Monday morning.  Brad and I even went for a short 3 mile run together, then we headed to our lovely little old house.  It was in decent shape when we got here.  The last tenant had left some trash out by the road that needed to be organized and put into cans, but that's about it.  The very first tenant had ripped the carpet out of the master bedroom (that crazy bitch is a story in an of itself) so we had that to look forward to.
Thanks Michelle Vansickle, you psychotic wench!
We're slowly getting everything set up.  Being so close to the holidays makes it difficult though.  It will be a week or two before the carpet can be installed and our only internet for now is my husbands Sprint wifi hotspot on his phone.  Better than no internet at all though!  We still have boxes EVERYWHERE, and much of that is due to not being able to move anything into the master bedroom yet.

One thing I've been missing for the past 3 years is my amazing cast iron tub!  You may rant and rave about your garden or Jacuzzi tub, but I'm telling you now, NOTHING beats the coziness of an old cast iron.  When sitting up, my feet come nowhere close to the end, and my husband can lay all the way out.  I love it!
I still haven't found my shower curtains.
There are so many other things that I can tell you about this house.  Every room has a story of what we did to it along with an array of before and after photos.  That tub was painted mustard yellow (Technical name: Harvest Gold) to match a fiberglass shower stall when we bought the house.  I absolutely love this old place and how we've made it ours.  It's only a two bedroom and the fact that we have two children and plan on living here really bewilders people.  "How are you going to do that with two kids?!" they ask in concern.  Um, they'll share a room with a bunk bed.  The average single family home in the 1950's was 400 sq ft less than what this house is.  Kids shared rooms and that's how it was.  Maybe someday we'll decide if we want to move or add on, but for now there is no reason to increase our incredibly affordable mortgage.

Can't wait to start running around town!

-Hugh Jass

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Embarrassing 5k

I decided at the last minute to do a 5k with the kids yesterday.  It didn't begin until 3 pm and I just had to get there at 1:30 to register.  There was a 5k, 1.5 mile fun run and then a kids dash.  Fun for the whole family!  It was also really neat because it started on the drag strip, went through some tunnels and over a pedestrian bridge and ended with one lap around the Charlotte Motor Speedway.  Or Zmax, or whatever it's called these days.  Definitely could have been a really run race.  But it wasn't.  Wanna know why?  Of course you do.

I took my faithful double jogging stroller.  I didn't plan on running fast and I thought the kids might want to get out and run a little every now and then but they surely would not walk or run the entire 3 miles.  I lined up in the back and after we took off I passed a few people, mostly walkers.  You run down to the end of the drag strip and then make a hairpin turn through a somewhat narrow gate to run back along the outer wall of the strip.  This is where shit went south.  Most jogging strollers do not have front wheels that turn so you have to prop it up on the back two wheels to make your turn.  As I did this, the stroller somehow got away from me and flipped over backward dragging me down with it.  I fell down and rolled, and the kids were crying.  They were totally fine.  They stayed int he stroller the whole time.  They were already a little cranky and hearing dozens of people behind us gasp in horror sent that signal to their brains that said "Cry now! Cry now!"  Like I said, the kids were totally fine.  They've taken far worse hits than that before, but they always go off the reactions of others.  It was pretty humiliating.  I just hung my head in shame and walked the rest of the 5k, ending with a time that was just under an hour.  My daughter got out and ran a little when got to the speedway, but my son cried the entire race and it had nothing to do with the fall.  He was just in a bad mood.

It sucks that I tipped the stroller because this course was really fun and could have made for an awesome race.  Ugh.  Oh, and did I mention that I wearing my Badass Mother Runner shirt?  Yeah.  More like Jackass Mother Runner.

-Hugh Jass

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Slob who doesn't shower, much less run

Dear diary,

It has been 1 week and 1 day since I had another human being to share parental responsibilities with.  I feel that I am losing some sanity with each passing day.  The children have torn the curtain down from two different windows in an effort to make a fort.  I have not run in way more than two weeks.  I can't recall exactly how long it's been, but it is definitely well beyond two weeks.  I have showered only every other day (if that).  The younger human child is a participant in potty training and has urinated everywhere.  Everywhere.  I sent both  children outside today so that the house could be relieved, momentarily, of the destruction being brought upon it.  While outside the children received word of a buried treasure hidden in the bottom of a large flower pot.   The back deck is 100% covered in black potting soil and it has now begun to rain.  Some of the dirt made its way inward, getting as far as the kitchen counter.  I should have known that I cannot keep wild animals in a domestic setting.  They are absolutely ravenous.  I caught one of them finishing a jar of Nutella with his bare hands.  But this does not satisfy the human child's appetite.  The children do not want to be fed.  The children want to hunt.


-Hugh Jass